“In this day and
age, there is no such thing as gay, straight, lesbian or labels like that. You
like that person, you go with that person.” – Kumar, local comedian and drag
queen extraordinaire.
Can a person’s
romantic inclinations go beyond borders and redefine one’s sexual orientation?
Is (romantic) love… genderless? It’s scientifically proven that we’re all born
bisexual, but our sexual orientation is conditioned by too many factors that we
shall not discuss in this article.
I spoke to my
friend Angelina recently, divorced with 2 kids and currently dating Ellen, a
butch. I was curious to find out how she finds balance between being in a
lesbian relationship and raising 2 children with her ex-husband.
Women are
obviously more capable of emotion than men, but a mother’s love is an amazing
thing. Mothers will try her best to make a failing marriage work for the sake
of her children. She will put aside her material longings to make sure the
children are fed. I wonder how life would be for a child with 2 mothers.
Tell
us more about your dating history. Have you ever dated or been attracted to
women?
No, I’ve always
dated guys. I was young, and when things didn’t work out I move on to the next
guy. I’ve always been jumping from one relationship to another, hoping and
wanting to find the right person. I think everybody wants companionship,
someone to understand and complement them. Almost like finding your soul mate.
Why
did you think your previous marriage did not work out?
At that time, my
expectations were very high and unrealistic. I never had a family, and my dad
was never around. So I told myself that when I have my own family the father
has to be there 100% for the kids. And well, he wasn’t. He is a very
individualistic person, he knows how to enjoy life and connect with people. All
I wanted was for him to be connected to the family all the time, and that’s
clearly not what he had in mind. So, the more I demanded, the more I
unconsciously pushed him away. He’s not a bad person, and I have no resentment
towards him.
How
did Ellen and you start dating?
How
is your relationship with Ellen different from the guys you’ve dated?
She’s very sweet.
She takes care of me and she’s very concerned with my well being. I don’t know
if it’s just my perception, but if a guy was “sweet” in a conventional sense,
to me he’s kind of a loser. I’ve always had a thing for “bad boys” but you
won’t find a “bad boy” who is sensible and understanding. Ellen is quite brash,
and I’m very amused by her rogue-ish demeanor. In the relationship however, she
puts in so much effort and she keeps her Sundays free for my kids and I. She
makes me a better person, and she makes me happy. Of course when you love a
person you’re happy!
Even the kids say
so! They used to give me so much problems because I was always chain smoking,
and constantly stressed out. I lost a lot of weight, and I kept my distance
from them. I guess I felt guilty that I couldn’t provide them with a
conventional wholesome family. I also pushed them away because I couldn’t bear
sending them back to my ex’s house after the weekends are over. They would beg
me to stay the night with them and ask “why do we have to go now?”
Have
you introduced your kids to Ellen and do they hang out when you’re together?
She’s become best
friends with the boy right from the start. With the girl however, she was more
cautious. My daughter is very discerning and she asked me “mummy, why does she
look like a boy?” Ellen and I had a chat, and we decided that things are going
to be tough if the girl doesn’t like her. But what can I say, Ellen is great
with kids! After awhile the girl warmed up to her and now she’s my babysitter.
She plays games with the kids and I have time to unwind and have a drink.
It’s hard to
explain to the kids the nature of our relationship. So for now “Aunty Ellen” is
my “best friend”. We’re going to let the kids grow up to be comfortable with
Ellen and then we can tell them the truth when they’re older.
Can
you describe how you felt when you guys first kissed.
It wasn’t flowers
and stars. It was a bit weird like “woah this is something different, I’m
kissing a girl!” It was weird, not in a gross kind of way, just different. At
the end of it, it was like kissing a very nice human being.
If
you had it your way, what would be the ideal storyline for your love story from
here on?
Me and Ellen
spending the rest of our lives together with the kids.
Do
you have anything to say to people who are struggling with their sexuality?
The thing is, I’m
not the best person to give advice because I don’t think that I’m lesbian. I’m
with Ellen because I love her, and she makes me happy. I love her as a person
and I cannot imagine being with another girl or anyone else for that matter.
She’s my kind of person.
I used to look at
lesbians and think, “what do you see in one another?” now I’m like “well, you
fall in love with the person’s character”.